Little People, Big World

I don't know if any of you have seen this show yet, but it's the shit. I'm fascinated with the lives of these little people. The show documents the day to day life of this family including two little parents, 2 twin boys (one of whom is little) and their two other kids. It's addicting. Makes me want to go to a little people convention, which they do a lot on the show. Good stuff.

Gentlemen?

I was just thinking and I realized that I've never had a truely meaningful relationship with any member of the opposite sex. I have more issues with my dad than I care to get into at the moment, I have no male siblings and though I have quite a few guys friends (most of whom happen to be gay) I don't really consider any of them as my best friend, like I consider Alice and Shivon to be my best friends.

As for a boyfriend, well, I've never had one. Yep, I'm 19 years old and have never had a serious relationship with a guy. I like the only virgin I know. Why have I never had a boyfriend? Who knows? I was ugly and had no self esteem when I was younger so I'd basically do almost anything a gys asked, although he gave nothing in return. I had a guy ask to be my boyfriend when I was 16, but that relationship consisted of a series of phone conversations and ended with him dumping me for, what I assume was, another girl whom he started dating a week later. I let him ask me out a few months later, but after a few days passed he pretended like it never happened.

I was hung up on that prick for a while. Maybe I still am. It's not like he was a catch. He was like 100 pounds over-weight and was sort of unintelligent. But honestly, how's a girl supposed to feel if through out all of high school, that was the best she could do? A stupid, fat, dick head who was emotionally abusive. I try to think about the positives. I'm somewhat intelligent (I got into Northwestern), I'm kind of talented, I'm driven, I know what I want to do with my life, I'm nice, I have pretty nice hair...you get the idea.

So why do I get left behind? For years I've watched friends spit in the face of love by whining and starting ridiculous fights with their boyfriends, getting mad at them for spending an evening out with their friends for no fucking reason. I've seen girls use genuinely nice guys like kleenex, going from one to the next. I could never do that shit. I'd be like the most chill girlfriend ever. Who gives a fuck if you want to hang out with your friends? Who cares if you hang up first on the fucking phone call. Gosh, it's infuriating.

But seriously, what am I supposed to do? I go around telling people that I don't believe in love while at the same time praying they'll be someone to rescue me from my cynicism and prove me wrong.

So there it is.
Why do I have to be so brutally fucking honest all the time? I value the truth more than anything. If you lie to me, you lose just about all my respect. I really don't keep that much to myself. It's pretty hard for me to hide emotions. Maybe that's what drives guys away. Because I'm sure that every guy is just dying to get to know the unconfident, fag had, virgin, lame ass opera singer.

Fabulous

A little worried

I'm a little worried about soe of my high school friends back home. I'm not one to judge. Everyone is entitled to do whatever they want, no mater how self-destructive it may be. But a couple of my close girlfriends still in high school are taking those first few steps down paths that may not lead to happiness or success, which is what I want for them more than anything.
My one friend, who has always been very intelligent, some-what free-spirited, and a social butterfly doesn't seem to be making the best choices lately. She smokes pot constantly, and never goes to school. Look, I realize this time of year sucks. It's senior year, everyone is and has changed from when you first met them. Teachers are giving you meaningless busy work and you really begin to outgrow all of the bull shit rues and regulations around you. Senior year sucks. I get it. I know you're gonna have to take your exams anyway (since you have well over 10 absenses for the quarter) but you do realize that if you miss too much school, you kind of won't graduate? This girl is so smart. Could probablly get into any college she wants, but I'm afraid that with the drinking and smoking out nearly every night, she's going to become a total burn out; someone who can't function normally in society. I don't want to see her in a year or two and be devastated when I remember how driven and vivacious she used to be. I of course can't come to her with this. She's a hell of an arguer and more importantly, it's her life. I can't tell her what to do.
My other girlfriend is dealing with other issues. I'm worried about her emotions and self esteem and just her overall feeling of self worth. She's been hooking up with (not dating because she said she didn't want a relationship) this 16-year-old boy (she's 18) who she just found out hooked up with another girl. Despite their "open-relationship", this of course crushed her, or it least she said it did 3 days ago. I call her today, however and she's back with him and tells me that they're just using eachother for music and sex. I don't know why she's so insistant on having a dead and emotionless relationship. It kind of scares me.
On top of that, after to applying to and auditioning at numerous prestigious music schools and universities, just like I did a year ago, she finds out that she's been rejected by her top choices. I'm pissed because her mom, the crazy batch that she is, insisted on making her apply to all of these nearly ivy-league schools with literally no safety schools. So, my friend, being an incredible musician but an average student, was rejected from several of the schools she worked her ass off auditioning for. Her mom just has to find a way to bring her down and make her feel small and that fucking kills me. I want her to know that she's worth so much more than a stupid horny 16 year-old boy and 2 college acceptances.
These girls are so close to me and I'd hate to have them lose themselves.

I don't know what to do.

Fuck You

I'll keep this short, since it's almost 6 am and I should sleep soon. One of my supposed really good friends from back home is basically ignoring me. Initially I was upset. Whenenver I feel like I'm losing a friend or being ignored by one, I go into panic mode. Well you know what, not anymore. Fuck her if she's gonna treat me like shit and completely disregard the fact that I was her friend when almost no one else was. I did shit for her. I cleaned her fucking apartment for her. I'm tired of feeling all anxious and scared whenever this happens and I develop a fear that I did something wrong. I don't know what your deal is, but I'm sick of this favoritism bull shit that you pull on me. Oh yeah, I'll let you hang out with me and run errands with me and spy on my boyfriend for me, but once other people enter the picture, you're just another person.
I had a really great night tonight. I had a nice dinner and got pretty trashed with some really nice people. I guess from the last post, you can see that I'm sort of trying to change myself. Well, not exactly change who I am, but more accept who I am and not appologize for it and embrace it and have fun. The main thing is: I'm no longer going to let anyone make me feel any way I don't want to feel.
I'm really liking this so far.

Nigh-nigh batches!

What if...

Do you ever think about what your life would have been like if one or two things were different? I know the idea is very "Sliding Doors" (Gotta love Gwyneth Paltrow), but it kind of blows my mind to think how different my life and personality would be if certain things had or had not happened. What sparked this sudden interest?
When I was little, like pre-school aged, I was really good friends with this kid. We were besties I guess you could say. We had play dates, played doctor, that whole shpiel, and we were basically 2 pees in a pod. Somewhere between kindergarten and 2nd grade (my memory's fuzzy) he and his family moved away and we basically never heard from them again.
Thinking back now, I know we really started drifting apart towards the end (he went to public school, I went to private), but over these past ten plus years, I know it's ridiculous, but I've always had this sort of Romanticised vision of him in my head. I mean, we were children, but I guess along the road, this idea of him being the right person for me (a quasi-soulmate a la "What Dreams May Come") was implanted in my psyche. So growing up, whenever I found myself surrounded by shitty personalities and felt mistreated by guys, I would think, I wonder if things would be different if "What's-his-name" were still around.
What is, for example, he had stayed around and we had both gone to public school together for the past 12 years? (I sort of pictured him as like a big football star and me sort of at his side, all happy together) What if I had gone to public high school period and wasn't forced to deal with crazy gestapo crap from Wellington Christian School for 8 years of my life? Who would I be friends with now? I can't imagine that I'd be at Northwestern. Would I still have found a passion for music or would I have been, say, a track star like my dad always imagined?
What would I look like? A few years after my sister was born, I started putting on weight, and in fact became over-weight. I'm not disgustingly huge or anything (I can shop at normal stores) but through out my childhood and adolescence, my weight was a big issue for me. About 5 years ago, I probablly had the lowest self-esteem of anyone you could meet. I wonder what life would have been like, who I would have been friends with, who I would have dated, what I would have participated in if I grew up falling within a normal weight range. I know things would have been vastly different. Whether you want to admit it or not, looks are important and they do matter.
Similarly along those lines, I wonder what sort of self esteem and self worth I would have had if I grew up with a stronger male influence, like say, an older brother. My mom did get pregnant before my with a baby but lost it after a couple weeks. But what if my brother (I like to call him Chris and imagine that he now goes to UCF) had been around. Your family dynamic does effect your personality, I feel. How much would that have changed be, just to have an older guy there, to pick up the slack when my dad was drinking and we were fighting.
What if my dad never developed a drinking problem? Maybe if his parents hadn't died when he was so young, things would be different and I'd have a father now instead of a ticking time-bomb that I'm waiting for something really bad to happen to. What if our family had never left Massachusetts, and I was able to grow up with all my cousins and grandparents with a Northeastern mentality rather than an isolated South Florida upbringing.
Damn. There are like 100 different versions of me floating around in the universe of possibility.
So, back to "What's his name". I do some digging over the years and nothing really turns up on AOL or anything like that, but then God invented Myspace and Facebook and after doing a random search the other day, I find my night in shining armour, the man to make things all right in my life; only to find that he has like 12 friends, doesn't type with anywhere near proper grammer and is now morbidly obese.
Well, that bubble got busted real quick.
So this whole "event" the other day got me thinking. Why do I extrapolate and go through these differnt scenarios in my head, and more importantly, why do I assume my life would be better if it was different? It was silly for me to spend the last 10 years blaming my unhappiness on my current surroundings and circumstances. Life is what you make of it, and I can't attribute my happiness (or lack thereof) to the presence or absence of a particular person or situation.
What if I went to public school and just did mediocre work and never discovered my love for music? I could be at a shitty state school drinking my education away rather than at Northwestern University, doing what I love and thinking everyday how excited I am for the career I'm going to be having the next 40 years.
What if by living in Massachusetts, I ended up with a sheltered and liberally skewed view of the world and became ignorant to the concepts of racism and biggotry, like the 2 girls living accross the hall from me who were completely stumped when they began offending people with the Confederate flag that they hung up in their dorm room.
That's not to say I wouldn't love to have a sober father who I have regretably wished death upon several times, but my experiences with him have made me stronger and maybe having the loving father and caring older brother would have made me too soft.

Basically, it's time that I stop making excuses for myself. Like they say in the Holiday: (kind of sucky, don't see it) It's time that I started being the star of my life. I'm going to embrace this life and everthing that I've been given, rather than focusing on what I haven't. Towards the end of last quarter, I had a breakthrough in my voice lesson. I found my voice; the voice that I was going to build my career upon. Once that happened, everything started flowing out of my and I couldn't help but sob. I realized that I am someone that is worthy of happiness, and nothing in my life except for myself can prevent my from having that. No longer was I going to sit quietly and let teachers or bosses or just people I see every day make me feel inferior and untalented and just not one to participate in the affairs of the "Real" people of this world. Screw that. I'm smart, gifted and probablly a lot more sane, secure, and in touch than you and since I'm only given this one life, I'm gonna enjoy every fucking minute of it.

I'm in control.
Yeah. I like that.

2006, and all of that.

So here's whre I'm at right now. It's New Year's Eve. I'm at home, sitting in my room, not out partying because I basically threw up the entire contents of my stomach, and then some, last night due to what I believe was food poisoning. So I'm sitting here, waiting for the ball to drop, to ring in 2007, and I'm pondering everything that happened during this past crazy year and what's to come. Thinking back, this had to have been the craziest and most eventful 12 months I've ever experienced. I had an amazing job singing with 4 of my best friends every week. I applied and auditioned for 6 for colleges and was later accepted to all of them, much to my complete and utter shock. I graduated from high school. Nothing beats the feeling of sitting next to all of your best friends on stage at your high school graduation.
I had what turned out to be one of the longest and most exciting summers of my life, going to Kashmir literally every Wednesday night, unlocking the secrect of Starbucks coffee, meeting cool new people and turning 18 years old. Finally, in September, the summer ended and I moved up to Evanston to start my first trimester at Northwestern University.
Yeah. That was interesting. My feelings about the school and the past 3 months are very mixed. I ended up making a few (not a billion, like everyone else) new, good friends. I've also encountered a few truely nasty people who have never made me feel worse about myself. Is that suppsed to happen? I managed to recieve all A's and 1 B at a school known to be one of the most challenging academic institutions in America. Then there's the voice program. I literally couldn't ask for a better voice program. Like, this is what I've been dreaming about through out 2006. Nearly everyone is overwhelmingly talented. My teacher's one of the best I've ever worked with and has made me feel great about my voice.
I've been into Chicago countless times, and it's slowly becoming one of my favorite cities. One of my closest friends from high school lives smack dab in the metropolis and has provided a sanctuary for me during the imensly depressing moments at NU. (I hate throwing around the word 'depression', but I can honestly say that I've felt it during my time in Evanston) As I've mentioned to most everyone, I made a couple appearances, and sang, on my all-time favorite podcasts, The PNS Explosion. I went to the opera and was blown away by the pure, distilled talent oozing from the theatre. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is.
I also made out with a guy and threw up at a bowling ally. Don't ask.
So, early Tuesday morning, I'm going back to school. I can't say that I'm uber-thrilled. I'm definately excited to see my friends and start my new classes. I'm worried about my first solo voice class and rushing, and just dealing with the people around me. I feel, for the most part, rejected by the people around me; the people I live around at least. It's not a great feeling to go back to your room, to your "home" and feel like no one wants you around. Why doesn't anyone on my floor want to get to know me? What the hell did I do?
So, yeah, that's discouraging. It's now officially 2007. I honestly have no idea what's ahead of me. These past few weeks back home have been phenominal. I got my old job back at the church with my friends and a new job working with special needs kids at the JCC. When I come home I have security. I have lots of friends who I love and who know me. I have jobs, and connections, as opposed to Evaston where I can't even get fucking Urban Outfitters to hire me to fold their $50 sweaters. In Evanston, at NU, I feel like I have next to nothing, with I very dim future ahead, but a chance for great success.
Talent is a responsibility. You're not just working for your own interest, but for those around you who have been supporting you for years. Sometimes, I wish I could just stay home, get an apartment, work, and lie low indefinately. Is that really me though? I don't know. 2007 will be the deciding factor. Happy New Year everyone.

Resolutions:
1. Lose at least 30 pounds
2. Quit drinking
3. Go to church once a week
4. Be happy.

Almost 2 months

So, it's been almost two months at Northwestern. It's been sort of a roller coaster, definately hard to adjust, but hey that's expected. Right now, I'm just looking forward to a billion different things.
1. Being finished with my Diversity of Life class (only 3 more lectures to go)
2. Going to Boston for Thanksgiving and shopping (only 13 more days to go)
3. Going home and seeing my family and friends (only 26 more days to go)
4. Partying it up on my girl Erika's 18th (only 36 more days to go)
5. Going to see East Village Opera Company an sitting in the front row (only 2 more days to go)6. Camping on Peanut Island with the gang from "4-Way Stop" (only 48 more days to go)
7. Partying at the Willard Formal and dancing with my Woo-match who doesn't seem to have a Facebook (only 1 more day to go)

And, the coolest thing ever. Tommorow, I'm going into Chicago to be on the podcast PNSexplosion. Those of you who know me know that this is my favorite podcast and I'm so freaking excited. I think they may want me to sing, which'll be awkward but that's ok. Wish me luck.
So, I don't really have time to brood over the fact that I haven't found my best friend yet, but that's ok b/c as you can see, I have way too many things to be giddy about.